As much as 30 per cent of Kiwis have experienced the painful reality of family estrangement, often between parents and children or siblings—it can last decades and is sometimes never resolved—but it is also a problem that can be solved if at least one party is willing to confront their own emotions.
Simone-Ellen Keller, founder of Genius You , says that one person’s behaviour can significantly impact the entire family for better or worse,” says Keller. “By changing how we respond to situations, we can influence positive changes in others.”
Divorce, money, perceived favouritism, unaddressed neurodiversity, business deals, stress, parenting challenges and personal criticism can all lead to rifts that grow in tension, angry communication and conflict.
“These pressures often lead to missed signals and unresolved issues, creating negative ripples throughout the family,” she says. “Turning these negative ripples into positive ones requires knowing what to do when you feel stuck.
“To make it worse, most families operate under the assumption that nothing negative will happen,” Keller says. “When it does, they often don’t know how to react. Having the problem-solving tools can help families become stronger and more resilient.”
The traditional approach of addressing one person within a family is not enough, and families in conflict would be well advised to consider the family as a unit.
“One person might go into victim mode while others try to help, creating a cycle of helplessness. Instead, those in positions of respect should lead by example instead of skirting the issue. If somebody else is the problem, instead of demanding they change, why not consider changing your behaviour? Reconciliation comes from acknowledging our role in the dispute—it’s not necessarily accepting blame. It’s about considering the whole dynamic.”
Keller says those in a family rift or estrangement situation might try to lean into the emotions they’re trying to escape, such as fear or lack of control. “Our personal feelings can often hinder our ability to find solutions. We can better navigate our challenges by acknowledging and addressing these feelings.”
Seeking help is another crucial step. “Speak to those who have faced similar challenges,” Keller says. “Experts may not have climbed the same mountains we have, but those who have experienced similar can offer valuable guidance.”
Keller says mending family rifts starts with looking at your own behaviour and actions before you can help others.
“Playing the victim is a defensive behaviour. By embracing every emotion and seeking support, families can unlock their full potential and lead more fulfilling lives.”
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