An openly defiant child who refuses a parent or teacher’s instruction can be confronting and disempowering for adults—most of us revert to some form of punished to get compliance—but another way is for adults to see it as an opportunity to learn how to use their emotions more productively.   

Simone-Ellen Keller, a personal transformation strategist and CEO of Genius You–a consultancy that teaches people how the mind works and how to use it to uncover their brilliance by using emotions constructively—said the first step is not to see a child’s defiance as a bad thing, but as a legitimate form of learning for the child. 

 “It’s true what the old maxim says –three things are guaranteed in life: death, taxes and that parenting is the hardest job in the world, unless we start to see dealing with defiance as a part of the process of raising humans. Understanding this is crucial to shaping how we respond to a child’s indiscretions.” 

Rather than castigate a defiant child or attempt to defuse the situation and forget about it, she advised parents to take the opportunity to teach a child about their emotions and the effects they have on other people. 

“Smacking is no longer an alternative, and justifiably so—because smacking comes from a position of anger, not love—we have an opportunity to rely on an in-built system that relies on appealing to the emotions of the child, but we need to learn how to use it.  We need to substitute discipline for parenting. Defiance is a learning opportunity,” Keller said. 

Picking the best parenting option to fit the exact situation of defiance can take practice. But getting the fundamentals right can make this much easier.  

“At the core of everything a child does is their desire to receive love from their parents. When they behave well, they get love. But equally, when their behaviour is less desirable, it’s not because they want to be bad; it’s because they’re feeling vulnerable and trying to attract the love they need.”  

Keller said that when we know the purpose of their behaviour, we can help nurture them at a whole different level of effectiveness and help them use their emotions positively to grow into amazing humans. Their emotions can be used as a moral guide for their own development.   

“Your job as a parent is to understand these signals while knowing that children aren’t emotionally mature enough to communicate their worries accurately. Just try to understand that everything they do comes down to their desire to be loved,” Keller said. 

Most families would resonate with the situation of inter-sibling rivalry that sometimes can lead to breakouts of violence. The reaction of a parent in these crucial moments can do either a lot of harm, or a lot of good, Keller said. 

“If one of your children hits their sibling, yelling at the one who used violence only substitutes their current emotion of anger towards more defiance.   

“But every child will feel bad after they strike another person. By understanding that the child was only acting violently because they couldn’t control their emotions, the wise parent should focus on the child’s innate feeling of self-recrimination as a way to help the child examine and change their own behaviour,” Keller said.  

By defusing the emotion of anger and revealing the deeper emotion of “yuck” felt by the child at what they did, the parent can let the child teach themselves a good reason why violence is bad because, for example, it may make them feel shame. 

“That lesson will be much stronger throughout their life than yelling ‘don’t hit other people’. Children aren’t sophisticated enough to understand hypotheticals like this. But they will feel negative emotions when they do something bad, and those are excellent opportunities for growth,” Keller said. 

Keller offers a few pieces of advice for parents interested in coping better with defiant children. 

1. Work on yourself first 

The important layer in this advice, Keller added, is that proper discipline starts with the parent. Since the parent is the adult, it is on them to understand the world from their children’s perspective. 

“If you cannot hold your child to account because you can’t face an emotion yourself, then you’re lost. Parents must take responsibility for their own emotions, just as they take responsibility for what the child eats, for example. It is on you to understand your emotions, so they don’t cloud your reaction,” Keller said. 

2. Rethink good parenting

Humans are creatures of mimicry, and no matter how view our own experiences of childhood and hope to rise above the example of our own parents, we tend to slip into repeating the mistakes across generations. But with a little effort, it doesn’t have to be this way, Keller said. 

“Investigate parenting options until you find the tools that work. Do not give up. I tried three different styles with my children, and it was only the third one that worked. I did plenty of work on myself and learned how to teach my children to listen to their emotions,” Keller said.

3. Have faith in your children

There’s a fine line between allowing children to experience hurt and pain with a goal to improve them as humans and creating hurt and pain in a disjointed attempt to teach vague lessons. Without constant forethought and strategic planning, parental discipline can exacerbate defiance, not solve it. 

“Everybody is exceptional. It doesn’t matter if a child lacked a good start, they innately have the capacity to get to be incredible. Parents should aim to nurture the emotional discipline that is already inside each child, rather than assume kids don’t know what’s right or wrong. Have faith that they do,” Keller said.  

  

More information here: https://www.geniusyou.co.nz/